The Joys of Depression.
June 15, 2009I know it has been a while since I have posted here. I think it’s been a while since I have posted anywhere really. The joys of depression.
As some of my friends know I have lived with depression for a long time, but it is amazing to realise how many people who know me still don’t know that I have depression. People think that because I’m always laughing that I’m always happy. It just ain’t so.
Typical Irish, always keep the bright side out. Well it seems of late I have been doing that too much. I am really starting to do myself damage. I’m starting to get Panic/Anxiety attacks. I’m so often on the verge of tears. I find myself fidgitting when I’m in a stressful situation, which seems to be happening more & more, or am I just finding normal situations more stressful? But the worst of all I think is the pressure. I’m feeling pressure on my head & chest. I find it hard to breath. I know that this is all happening to me because of my depression.
But I have one major problem, I know this is all happening, but how do I stop it happening? I know it’s all psychological, but knowing & being able to do anything about it are two different things.
People think it’s something you can “Just snap out of” but it’s not as easy as that. I’m sitting here staring at the screen trying to figure out how to put into words what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling, but I can’t.Trevor, God bless him, I’d be lost without him, but he keeps asking me what’s wrong. But I can’t tell him what’s wrong. There is nothing he can do to fix it, as much as he may want to.
Depression is as much a debilitating disease as any other. It effects your body as well as your mind.
I want to go for a drive.
I’ve found a great road to drive out at night when I’m down. There is nothing out there. The darkness just surrounds me & I feel safe inside it. There is nothing there to worry me. No people, no family, no friends, no money worries. Nothing. Just darkness. It’s so calming. I come out then at the other end into a sea side village where I stop by the beach & just watch the waves, in the hope that I can just let all my troubles float away on the waves. & sometimes it works. It’s so relaxing. Lovely.
& then I return to life.
It starts all over again.
Tagged for later comment. Michelle, I wasn’t ignoring you earlier; I had things come up around the house which couldn’t be put off. Your post has given me food for thought, and I will give you a deserved reply later today (tomorrow?)
It’s ok, I know you would never ignore me,you’re not brave enough young man. ;oP
Hope it’s good thoughts.
Hi Michelle
I stumbled across your post due to a related post I had made myself. I am also a sufferer from depression
The conditions of depression and anxiety seem to often associated with an inability for or a dislike of talking about them. This can be for reasons of (unfounded) guilt or shame, some just find it difficult to put into words.
Some time ago I too used to suffer from panic attacks. I don’t so much any more but the symptoms you describe sound so very familiar. Be assured there is LOTS of help you can get with problem, starting with your GP. There’s also a a lot of info out there on the net that you can read to help you understand what is happening to you during those times.
I’m glad to to say that in these more enlightened times there are fewer people that expect depression sufferers to ’snap out of it’. A lack of true understanding still exists though.
‘How do I stop it happening?’ you ask. Well I think the first thing is to confront it and learn about it. This inludes not only about what is happening to you but finding out about the types of interventions and treatments that are available, and there are many. Outside of medication such therapies as Cognitive Behaviourlal Therapy (CBT) are available on referral from your GP. This entails training your thinking to operate in more positive ways.
Best of luck, Michelle. Be good to yourself.
Stu
Hi Stu,
Thank you for your reply. I am sorry to hear you have had depression too. I have lived with it on & off for 19 years now(I’m 32). I know all about the so many different treatments out there. Sometimes they all drive me mad there are so many. I feel like I’m having everything thrown at me when I just want to be allowed to stop & catch my breath. I go to a ‘day hospital’ 2 days a week now & thankfully I am finding that helpful at the moment. I have just figured out that I need to take a step back & look after myself for once. People have been saying this to me for months/years, but I wouldn’t listen. I had people who needed me to be there, doing things for them, running around after them. But now I think I finally feel at the point where I’m going to have to tell everyone that I’m going to have to look after myself before them. I can’t do it any more. This is where I have the problem though. It’s so difficult. But I have to do it.
As I have said to friends & medical workers I feel like I’m at an abyss & I’m on 1 side of it, but the answers I need are on the other side. The problem is the bridge is broken & I need to find the tools to help build it up again. It’s going to take time, but I’ve started to find those tools at last. I know I will be able to build the bridge, but it will take time. Time that I am going to have to take.
Thank you for your answer.
Mi.