I know it has been a while since I have posted here. I think it’s been a while since I have posted anywhere really. The joys of depression.
As some of my friends know I have lived with depression for a long time, but it is amazing to realise how many people who know me still don’t know that I have depression. People think that because I’m always laughing that I’m always happy. It just ain’t so.
Typical Irish, always keep the bright side out. Well it seems of late I have been doing that too much. I am really starting to do myself damage. I’m starting to get Panic/Anxiety attacks. I’m so often on the verge of tears. I find myself fidgitting when I’m in a stressful situation, which seems to be happening more & more, or am I just finding normal situations more stressful? But the worst of all I think is the pressure. I’m feeling pressure on my head & chest. I find it hard to breath. I know that this is all happening to me because of my depression.
But I have one major problem, I know this is all happening, but how do I stop it happening? I know it’s all psychological, but knowing & being able to do anything about it are two different things.
People think it’s something you can “Just snap out of” but it’s not as easy as that. I’m sitting here staring at the screen trying to figure out how to put into words what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling, but I can’t.Trevor, God bless him, I’d be lost without him, but he keeps asking me what’s wrong. But I can’t tell him what’s wrong. There is nothing he can do to fix it, as much as he may want to.
Depression is as much a debilitating disease as any other. It effects your body as well as your mind.
I want to go for a drive.
I’ve found a great road to drive out at night when I’m down. There is nothing out there. The darkness just surrounds me & I feel safe inside it. There is nothing there to worry me. No people, no family, no friends, no money worries. Nothing. Just darkness. It’s so calming. I come out then at the other end into a sea side village where I stop by the beach & just watch the waves, in the hope that I can just let all my troubles float away on the waves. & sometimes it works. It’s so relaxing. Lovely.
& then I return to life.
It starts all over again.
