Broke or no break

I suppose I might as well get down to it, Nic has fractured her arm. Well that’s if she has at all. I brought her to the local hospital here last Monday & waited for hours only to be told that there was only 2 doctors on & they were working flat out to clear the 5 hour back log. We debated wither we’d wait to have Nic seen or just go home. In the end we decided to just head home & come back the next morning to see if we had any better luck then. This time we had just under 3 hours to wait. We got into the ‘inner sanctum’ to see one of the Gods…. sorry Doctors. She was lovely & checked the arm thoroughly. She sent us down to X-ray & we were seen very quickly there.

Back to the doctor only to be told that she has a fracture in the wrist. On with a temporary plaster & told to go to Merlin Park hospital the next day to have a proper cast put on. Out there on Wednesday morning to see another doctor who said he couldn’t see a fracture, but that she should have a cast on for 2 weeks anyway. I thought that was a bit strange, but then I thought he’s the doctor, he should know. She ended up getting an luminous pink plaster on. There was a lot of fun trying to get something to match with it for her graduation from Primary school that night.

That was all fine. She feels a bit sore when she moves it, but she’s gotten used to having the cast on. However on Monday I met a friend of mine whose daughter also has a cast on. The problem arose when she said to me that she went out to Merlin Park & met the same doctor as Nic did & he said the same thing. “I can’t see a fracture, but I’ll put it in a cast anyway just in case.” Now this child was seen in the same initial hospital as Nic but on a different day & time. But she seen the same doctor in Merlin. My question is, has Nic a fracture or not? We won’t be out there again now until the 8th of this month, but I think if this same guy is there I will have to ask for a second opinion. I don’t really have faith in him.

But then again Nic does have a cool cast with the signatures of all her classmates from the last days of school.

Nic in her pink cast.

The joys of depression.

I know it has been a while since I have posted here. I think it’s been a while since I have posted anywhere really. The joys of depression.

As some of my friends know I have lived with depression for a long time, but it is amazing to realise how many people who know me still don’t know that I have depression. People think that because I’m always laughing that I’m always happy. It just ain’t so.

Typical Irish, always keep the bright side out. Well it seems of late I have been doing that too much. I am really starting to do myself damage. I’m starting to get Panic/Anxiety attacks. I’m so often on the verge of tears. I find myself fidgitting when I’m in a stressful situation, which seems to be happening more & more, or am I just finding normal situations more stressful? But the worst of all I think is the pressure. I’m feeling pressure on my head & chest. I find it hard to breath. I know that this is all happening to me because of my depression.

But I have one major problem, I know this is all happening, but how do I stop it happening? I know it’s all psychological, but knowing & being able to do anything about it are two different things.

People think it’s something you can “Just snap out of” but it’s not as easy as that. I’m sitting here staring at the screen trying to figure out how to put into words what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling, but I can’t.Trevor, God bless him, I’d be lost without him, but he keeps asking me what’s wrong. But I can’t tell him what’s wrong. There is nothing he can do to fix it, as much as he may want to.

Depression is as much a debilitating disease as any other. It effects your body as well as your mind.

I want to go for a drive.

I’ve found a great road to drive out at night when I’m down. There is nothing out there. The darkness just surrounds me & I feel safe inside it. There is nothing there to worry me. No people, no family, no friends, no money worries. Nothing. Just darkness.  It’s so calming. I come out then at the other end into a sea side village where I stop by the beach & just watch the waves, in the hope that I can just let all my troubles float away on the waves. & sometimes it works. It’s so relaxing. Lovely.

& then I return to life.

It starts all over again.

Insane drivers are following me.

This pretty much explains how my day was today. This letter has now been e-mailed to the Services Manager with Bus Eireann.

Dear Sir,

Today I was in contact with the bus inspector about the driver of the above mentioned bus. He explained to me that if I wanted to make a complaint I had to do it in writing to you.

This morning at approximately 09.30am I was traveling out the Dublin road approaching the first turn off to Renmore on the Monenageesha cross side, just after The Brothers of Charity. In front of me I had a learner driver. She was stopped behind another car that was turning into Renmore Park on the right, but it being a hill the learner driver was rolling back against my car. I had left loads of room behind her but she had still rolled back so that she was right in front of my car.

I could not reverse to get out of her way because there was a car right behind me, so when she rolled back again I instinctively pulled the car to the left. I know I shouldn’t have, but it was either that or I was going to get a people carrier on top of my bonnet. All of this happened in a matter of seconds so I had no time to think, just react. I didn’t even look in the rear view.

All of a sudden I heard a blasting of a horn. Straight away I stopped & one of your buses pulled up beside me. I proceeded to open the passenger window so I could apologize & explain what had happened. However the bus kept going forward slowly. Next thing I know the bus is diagonally across the front of my passenger side & the driver has his head out of the window shouting at me. I don’t know what he said, but he just kept shouting. As this is going on I keep saying to him that I am sorry I didn’t see him.

This may have only lasted seconds, but not knowing if he was going to actually hit my car or not it seemed to go on for ages. Eventually he drove off & we continued slowly up the rest of the hill. As we are going up I was in line with his back tires that was until he started to swerve out in front of me. I honestly thought he was going to hit my car. I will be honest, I was quite intimidated.

He finally pulled in to the stop across from Galvia hospital. As i was going by I was about to wave another apology, but that was until he put his head out the window & made what I can only assume was an angry face, but it just looked funny to me. The intention behind it wasn’t though. I have to admit, this made me angry, so I ended up showing him my middle finger. I know I shouldn’t have, but I was very intimidated.

Straight away I was willing to apologize, but instead he decided to act violently. I really don’t feel what happened warranted his reaction. I would be very grateful if you could speak to your driver regarding this issue, because there were passengers on that bus & I’m sure some of them were bound to know what was happening.

Thank you.

Yours Faithfully,

Michelle O’Neill.

I’m begining to wonder are insane drivers following me lately or something. hahaha

My Little Star.

Once again Nic was on the telly again today. So there’s going to be more “Mom, mom, I seen that girl on the telly” from kids every time we walk into a shop. It had just died down from the last time. Oh the price of having a talented daughter. Ok, is that enough of the beeming Mammy bit?

Nicola & Evelyn were both filmed this Easter for CSI Ice on RTE TWO. They had a great time. I almost had to tie them down so that fly away they were so high.

Insane Ladies.

This was 1 small moment of calmness, so you can imagine whagt they were like the rest of the time. They went through all the filming & everything, having a great time all along.

Getting mic'd up.

We then heard nothing more off them since. That was a month ago. Suddenly out of the blue I got a phone call on Saturday morning saying that she would be on today at 4.35pm. I was so proud of both of them. They looked so well. You can check it out here:

http://www.rte.ie/tv/theden/ice/icewatchtheshow_avlong.html

Hit the small R at the bottom right hand corner of the screen & skip the recording on to 13.23. That should get you on to the piece of the show with Nicola & Evelyn. Watch & enjoy.

Ignorance is a disease that can be cured.

Only if the ignoramus involved is willing to be cured though. Illegal parking is a pet hate of mine & this week I have gone through a spate of it. Monday I was at the Court House here in Galway & when I got back to the car I seen this so I just had to take a shot.

That’s when the fun started.
As I was taking a shot a guy ran up & asked me what I was doing. I explained I was taking a shot. He asked me why, so I replied “Because I want to”
He then pointed to my car & said “What about that guy there?”
I said “I’m not a guy & if you bothered to look you’d see I have a badge” He proceeded to tell me that he was only over at the Court House taking footage of someone, as if that mattered.
He went off mumbling “Do whatever you want” So I thanked him & said I would. I finished taking the photos & got back into the car.
As I am then going by the front of the court house he got a stills camera & walked up to take a shot of me. I’m not sure if he did or not. I just said “Go on ahead, you can see the badge. I’m not the one breaking the law!” He turned around & walked away.

So imagine my annoyance when today, less then a week later & get back to my car only to find this:

So being the B**** that I am I had to take a shot, but then I felt that wasn’t enough this time, I was angry at such ignorance in less then a week. So as well as just taking a shot of the car I also put a note on it:

The note very simply reads:

Disabled spaces are wider for disabled passengers & drivers

to get into their car easier,

not so ignorant people like you can block them up.

Think about someone else then next time

you decide to squeeze your matchbox

in beside a disabled space.

Ignorance is a disease that can be cured.

So if you are the person who owns this car please in future think of someone other then yourself, park legally, there were loads of other spaces available. Use them.

Nicola wants a new pet.

Oh God help me. I had to go to the pet shop today to get a new brush for Millie & 1 of those gloves for Addy’s fur. As we were getting out of the car I started explaining to Nic that we weren’t going to be buying any new toys for any of the pets.

This was the conversation:

“Not even a new fishy friend for Goldie?”  “Nope!”  “Well what about something new for Lilly? She hasn’t had anything new in ages”  “No!!”  “Ok, can I have a new Gunipig then?”  “How many times do I have to say it? No!”  “Well what about a Bunny then?”  “Don’t tempt me, I want a Bunny, but still, NO!”

We then walked through the door & all Hell broke loose. Inside the front door of Pet World in Terryland here in town they have a Chipmunk. The bloody thing is insane. It flies about the place. I think someone has given it Speed. lol It flies up one side of the cadge & down the other. Nic started squealing “OH MY GOD!!!!! It’s so cute!!!! Mum can I have a Chipmunk? He’s so cute!” She then spent the rest of the time in the shop begging me, reasoning with me, pleading with me, promising me, you name it. She explained to me that it would be in her room & I wouldn’t have to worry about it. She would look after it. “Honestly mum!”

I tried explaining to her that the things were nocturnal & that she would get no sleep. Her answer to that was “It’s ok, I can sleep in school.” The girls working in the shop just bust out laughing. I paid for what we were getting (which did end up being more then I had intended) & got out of there. I had to physically steer Nic out of there. She fell in love with the little thing. Not a chance though, a budgie, a fish & a dog here & a cat & a dog in Dads, I think she has enough pets around her.

A choice to make.

On Wednesday I got a letter in the post from Presentation Secondary School where Nic was supposed to go in September. It seems for some reason they have decided to combine their school with another in town here called the Mercy. Nic had asked about going to the Mercy when we discussed but we quickly ruled it out because there were certain ‘friends’ of hers that were going there. I don’t mind her mixing with them a few hours a week, but all week in school… no,  wouldn’t be happy about that.

Anyway, it was actually a good thing. Myself & Trev discussed it on Wednesday night & we were really worried about what was going to happen. It turns out we needn’t have worried at all. On Thursday morning I got a phone call from a woman in Salerno Secondary School wondering if Nic was still interested in a place there. I couldn’t believe it. What luck. I asked her if she could wait for an answer until tomorrow & she said no problem.

When I told Nic about the phone call I had to almost pry her from the cieling. It was so funny. I can’t remember the last time I seen her eyes bulge so big. I think this almost comes close:

We didn’t make any decisions until we spoke to Trev last night, but he asked one simple question:

Which is the better school?

Salerno wins hands down, simple as that. So today I rang the school to accept the place. We’re waiting now for the forms to come out so I can fill them out & confirm our acceptance of the placement.

I’m really glad she got in there, but I think it’s going to cost a lot more to send her there. We’ll just have to wait & see. It’ll be worth it though. 

Addys “GROWTH”?????

I was picking Nicola up from Circus this evening when I got a frantic phone call from Trev. He asked me where I was & then told me to get straight back home because there was something wrong with Addy.

When I asked him what happened, in a very worried voice he explained it all to me.

When he came home Addy had gone to the toilet & got himself covered, as sometimes happens with dogs. So Trev brought him out the back to clean him off. Trev is not very good at things like that & he was nearly sick all over the poor animal. As if he wasn’t bad enough.

He kept going though until he had Addy almost clean. That’s when he found a lump. A large black lump. He got really very scared & rang me straight away to get me to come home. He said I would have to contact the vet.

I got Nic & raced out to the car. I had to stop at the shop to get something & when I got back to the car the phone was going off. Terrified Nic answered it & Trev asked her to put me on. My heart was in my mouth. I thought he was going to tell me that Addy had gotten very sick or something. But this is not what he had to tell me at all.

He said “It’s ok, you don’t need to rush back, he’s ok.” I asked him how could this be if he has a big black lump?

He then told me that it wasn’t a lump. It was Addys testicles. He hadn’t noticed them before so he got a fright when he seen them. I just started roaring laughing. The poor dog, I know that those things get the male of the species in trouble, but I wouldn’t go as far as to call them cancerous.

Poor Trev, I love him to bits, but he really wasn’t top of the que when they were handing out the brains. hahaha

62 you would have been today,
If you had not been taken away.
We should have brought flowers to you this day,
And not watched them float away into the bay.

There is not a single day goes by,
That I don’t think of you and want to cry.
But I know that I must still go on,
Even though you now have gone.

There’s times I feel my world is falling apart,
And I can’t cope with the hole left in my heart.
I know one day the hurt will ease,
But never will it go away.

I miss your smile, I miss your laugh,
I even miss you telling me off.
But I know you’re up there looking down,
And I hope that we don’t make you frown.

I miss you mum, and I love you still,
This is how I will always feel.

I’ll never forget you Mum. I love you & miss you always.

Thank you to Vonnie for making the wreath.

Time to get going again.

Ok, it’s been almost a year since I have been here, so I think it’s about time I tried to actually make a go of this blog thing. The only thing is I don’t know what to write about. When I go to sit down & write I just go blank.

I think I should make this a blog about my life, but what to say about my life. Where do I start? If I wrote about it would I have to file it under fiction? LoL I don’t think many people would believe 1/2 of the things I’ve been through.

If I stick to the present it’s going to be pretty boreing. Running about after Nic, doing circus work, doing things for dad. Same old same old.

Got a little deviation to the routine tomorrow. I have to go for an assessment in the morning to the psychiatric day hospital. Fun, fun, fun. I might have to go there a few mornings a week to get some ‘me time’ as the Yanks say.

I’m still having fun with the camera.

Nicolas Laughter Framed

Thankfully I still have a beautiful model to help me. I still have my friends who I wish were closer. Armagh, Limerick, Vegas. They’re all over. I miss them when I don’t see them & I still worry about them all.

So for now all is same old same old. I will have to sit & think about what way I’m going to go here. If anyone has any ideas I’d be delighted to know.